And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
