just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
