Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
