He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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