Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got inside last night via doggy door
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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