I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
