So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
