We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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