I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
