this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
