the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
