Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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