I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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