He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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