dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
