I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
