If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
