proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
