Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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