Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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