Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
