I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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