I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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