i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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