we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
