Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
