Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
