can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
