My pussy is not your playground.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
