turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
