this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
