We should be called the Road Head Warriors
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
