my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
