Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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