I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
