White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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