1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
