dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
