I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
