dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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