i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
