Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
