at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
