Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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