You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
