At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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