Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
