Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There are leaves in my underwear?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
