I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
