lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
