I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You need Xanax blowdarts
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
