my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
