I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
