The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dignity is for republicans.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
